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Domestic Violence
Education
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Victim Assistance Div. of Erie County
Victims of Domestic Violence: 419-624-6875
Victims of Felony Crime: 419-627-7699
Victims of Juvenile Crime: 419-624-6885
Victims of Misdemeanor Crime: 419-624-6880
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Domestic violence may be kept from relatives, neighbors, clergy, or others, but children living with violence know what is happening.
In Ann Jones and Susan Schechter's 1993 book, When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right, one woman tells her story:
A home that is characterized by physical, emotional, sexual, or property abuse is a frightening, debilitating and unhealthy place. Children who live in such a home are often not able to be children. Psychologist Ruth Olsen says all children are affected. The signs may be different based on how children interpret the experience of witnessing the violence.
Some factors that may determine how children will be affected are: how they have learned to cope and survive with the stress of living in a violent home; to what extent they have supports and to what extent they use supports, like friends, relatives or other adults. Each of these factors influences how deeply the violence will affect children. As you read this list you may confront some feelings of guilt. Just remember that you can do something beneficial for your children and their future.
Children may have some or all of these feelings:
Children may express these feelings by behaving in some or all of these ways:
Although it may be difficult to talk to your children about it, tell them the truth about the abuse. Allow your children to talk freely about their feelings. Answer their questions honestly but in a way that is appropriate for their ages. Let your children know that the abuser's behavior is not acceptable, but it is okay to love or miss the abuser, too. Acknowledge the loss they may be feeling. Do not discuss with others the specifics of the situation or your feelings about your partner in front of your children - have adult discussions with adults. It is ok to cry in front of your children. This lets them know that their feelings are normal, and it gives them permission to express their own feelings.
There are things that you can do to protect your children. Talk about when the violence is most likely to occur. Depending on your situation, you may have to tell your children there is a possibility that the abusive person may not be a part of their lives any longer. You may have to say, "If this person can't get help and learn a new way to behave, we may have to live without this person because that's the only way to keep ourselves safe."
Set boundaries with your children. They need to know that they are not the cause of the violence, and they cannot control or stop what is happening. Tell them what they can do to safely help you. Be prepared with a plan. Here are some suggestions that you may use to plan with your children:
An example of a child's escape plan for you to use with your children follows this piece. It can help you talk about the abuse with your children and make a plan with them. If you have teens in the house, you may need a different approach to protect them. Teens are old enough to start fighting back, and this puts them at a greater risk. No matter how independent they seem, they need your help to sort it all out. Talk with your teen, keep the lines of communication open.
Here are some resources that may be helpful to you as you discuss your situation with your children and plan for their safety:
Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, by Phyllis Chesler
Something is Wrong At My House, by Diane Davis
When Mommy Got Hurt, A Story for Young Children about Domestic Violence, by Ilene Lee and Kathy Sylvester
A Manual on Non-Violence and Children, by Kathy Judnon
Something Happened and I'm Scared To Tell, by Patricia Kehoe, Ph.D.
You can also check your local library or bookstore for the above books.
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