Victim Assistance
Div. of Erie County
Victims of
Domestic
Violence:
419-624-6875
Victims of
Felony Crime:
419-627-7699
Victims of
Juvenile
Crime:
419-624-6885
Victims of
Misdemeanor
Crime:
419-624-6880
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Is This An Abusive Relationship?
You may be
trying to decide if you are in an abusive relationship or one that is
becoming abusive. Although every situation is different, the following
are some things you may want to consider.
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An abuser may have some or all of the following
characteristics (There is no typical, easily identifiable
abuser. The characteristics that follow may not be present in every
abuser and are not necessary for their behavior to be considered
abusive.):
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Dual personalities: Abusers are often described
as having a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality and are generally
not known in the community as violent persons. Usually, abusers
refrain from physical aggression outside of the home or other
private settings. Abusers' attitude and behavior may change
immediately once they are in a private place--where they think it is
"safe" to be abusive. Abusers may be loving, kind, and remorseful at
times, but this is all part of maintaining power and control.
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Extreme jealousy: An abuser may suspect you of
being unfaithful without any rational reason or evidence to support
such a belief. An abuser may be jealous of any meaningful
relationships you have with others, including those with parents,
siblings, children, friends, or even pets.
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Controlling and possessive behavior: An abuser
may control your access to money, social relationships, job
opportunities, and may monitor all your activities by making you
account for any time apart or money spent. An abuser may treat you
as a "possession" and may engage in seemingly "playful" but
unwelcome use of force during sex.
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Emotional dependency: An abuser may be
emotionally dependent on you and may make constant demands for
reassurance and gratification. An abuser may be hypersensitive to
anything interpreted as criticism and may be critical of others and
difficult to please.
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Poor self-esteem: An abuser may feel inadequate
about a variety of things, including (but not limited to)
masculinity, sexuality, providing for the family, and parenting.
These feelings may be masked by an extremely tough or "macho" image.
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Roles: Abusers tend to enforce rigid gender
roles or believe in the traditional male "head of the household"
role. They may coerce or demand behavior from you because you are a
woman.
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Blame: Abusers may blame other people or
circumstances for their behaviors and feelings; they may have
difficulty taking responsibility for their mistakes or problems.
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Abusive history: A high proportion of abusers
experienced abuse as children or witnessed abuse between their
parents and learned this behavior (but this does not excuse their
actions).
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Unpredictable: Abusers' actions may be
unpredictable, and you may feel as though you never know what the
abuser will do next. Abusers may hold others, especially you, to
unrealistically high expectations.
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Social isolation: Abusers may have few friends
outside the family and may have poor social skills. However, abusers
may also be "social charmers" and have a lot of friends, none of
whom would think they would be abusive (see "Dual personality"
above).
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Cruelty: Abusers may be cruel not only to you
but to children and animals as well. They may be preoccupied with
violence, guns, knives, etc.
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Inappropriate use and display of anger: Abusers
may use anger if they do not get what they want. They may display
anger as verbal abuse, physical touching of any kind without your
consent (even a kiss), threats of violence, and breaking/destroying
objects of value to you.
There are
many possible reactions to an abusive relationship. You may be a victim
of abuse if your response to your partner/relationship includes some or
all of the following:
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Overfunctioning or overachieving: You may tend
to take on more than a reasonable share of responsibilities. You may
have a high need to succeed and please others. Your partner's
failure to accept responsibility may force you to compensate for
his/her behavior.
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Feeling powerless: You may feel as though you
have no control over your life. You may be immobilized by fear and
feel that you "have to take it." Decisions about family, friends,
and activities are based on how your partner will react.
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Feelings of guilt or shame: You may feel guilty
over failure of a marriage or relationship. This is often reinforced
by your partner who blames you for all that goes wrong. Guilt over
failure may be accompanied by shame for "putting up" with the abuse.
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Continuous hope: You maintain hope for positive
change in your partner's conduct. Others may try to intervene and
convince you the relationship is unsafe/unhealthy, but you may
continue to hope.
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Previous abuse: A significant portion of abuse
victims were abused earlier in their lives within or outside of the
family. Many also had mothers who were abused by their partners.
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Decreased self-esteem: You may underestimate
your true abilities and level of achievement or feel badly about
yourself. Self-esteem is likely to be eroded over time by constant
criticism from the abuser such as name calling, put-downs, and
belittling your achievements.
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Identity concerns: You may lack a firm sense of
individualization and autonomy. You may feel incomplete without a
partner. Your identity may be or become strongly dependent upon your
role as a partner/wife/mother.
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Passive/dependent behavior: You may accept the
traditional feminine role, often to an exaggerated degree. Your
behavior may be reinforced by economic dependency and increasing
feelings of helplessness and fear as the abuse continues. This
behavior often reflects survival instincts: you may find that by
appeasing your partner you avoid some of the abuse and temporarily
increase your safety.
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Self-blame: The abuser blames you, and you may
begin to believe it over time. You may accept responsibility for the
abuser's actions. Anger turned inward often produces guilt.
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Fear and denial: You may fear the abuser's
anger, but you may also deny and minimize this fear. Denial and
minimization are common coping strategies for surviving the abuse.
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Stress: You may have severe stress reactions
(headaches, stomachaches, sleeplessness, anxiety, etc.). You may
spend an increasing amount of time trying not to make the abuser
angry.
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Social isolation: Your partner may isolate you
from family, friends, neighbors, and other forms of support, or you
may limit your contact with these people out of shame and
embarrassment. Your partner may criticize and blame family and
friends.
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Determination and bravery: You are very strong
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Your strength
helps you survive.
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SAFETY ALERT:
Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to
completely clear all website footprints. If you are in danger,
please use a safer computer that your abuser can not access directly
or remotely, or call ODVN 800-934-9840
or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.
If you are at a safer computer
click here for more
information.
Safety Alert taken from the Ohio Domestic Violence Network
http://www.odvn.org
The comprehensive resource on domestic violence
800-934-9840 |
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